Worth Waiting For:The Golden Age for Young Women to Start Dating in the 21st Century

Young people today do not consider dating as seriously as they should. Dating should be about more than banana splits and rom-coms; it is the noble and sacred prelude to holy matrimony. However, the prevalence of incessant “hook-ups”, morbid “no-strings-attached” dalliances, and casual “friends-with-benefits” affairs in our century says otherwise. Young minds nowadays simply do not have the mental capacity to be in a committed relationship of any kind. Women have been deprived of gender equality for so long that they have lost their correct perspective; instead of wearing cone brassieres and banging their heads against glass ceilings, modern-day women should accept their innate station of being obedient housewives. To fix this growing catastrophic occurrence, I propose that young women should only start dating when they are at least eighty years old, an age at which they are finally suited to pursue the role of a devoted and stable wife.

Women these days are allegedly more “evolved” than they have ever been before in history. They are “strongly empowered” and “confidently independent”. But most of them work twelve-hour-plus days, hire domestic help to clean their marble mansions, and worst of all, do not know how to cook. They should stay at home and serve their families, a responsibility they were born with. Women today are supposed to be “educated” and “knowledgeable”, yet ironically they are completely ignorant when it comes to making a good carrot cake.

The modern girl looks solely for a “fun time” and is unwilling to settle down in a committed relationship. By the time a woman is eighty, her promiscuous youth and career are well behind her, and she has outgrown much of the counterintuitive “education” of her earlier years. It is only a bonus if she has developed advanced memory loss, as this will help her forget the foolishness of her sordid past. By 80, she will also have mastered the crucial skills of cooking, cleaning, and knitting that she ignored during her twelve-hour-plus-day career. Forget The Stepford Wives; only an eighty-year-old woman is the ideal, dutiful wife.

Besides being primed as a model wife, a woman in her golden years—with the sun long set on her youth—will have accumulated a solid nest egg to attract the most promising, established senior males. For as we know, the most eligible eighty-something bachelors do not “dig” the gold diggers. In addition, their combined retirement savings will mean that the couples who wait to date until their eighties will have economic freedom. Think of the amount of grey hairs that a mortgage can bring! Also, there would be fewer disputes about money when expensive hobbies like skydiving and buying designer clothes are no longer issues between the spouses. The economic security that comes with an older woman means that she does not have to worry about the financial problems of youth, though of course, she should always expect the man to pick up the cheque!

There is no end to the benefits of a woman who waits until she’s eighty to start dating. Her suitor does not have to lose sleep about going to her father to ask for her hand in marriage; most likely he is already dead. And, knowing they are approaching their deathbeds, they can enjoy a short and sweet courtship. These octogenarian newlyweds also avoid contributing to the overpopulation problem, as couples would need to adopt any children they would want to have. Not to mention, given that many seniors reside in nursing homes, nursing staff can be relied on as chaperones to ensure nobody engages in any naughty premarital coitus.

Women most definitely should start dating when they are at least eighty years of age. By then they should have more than mastered the appropriate domestic tasks, abandoned their promiscuous habits, forgotten any counterintuitive “education”, and stashed away enough money to impress a mature gentleman. Waiting to date until they are eighty will ensure that they will have traditional, excellent, and everlasting marriages—while finally discovering their inherent roles of being well-behaved and devoted wives.

p.s. what you just read is satire, hope it gave you a chuckle